Vulnerability Sucks

I know exactly why I told pretty much no one that I was having surgery until a few days prior. I felt really stupid, and STILL feel stupid, that I’ve had two surgeries in less than a year. I had made up my mind that calf surgery was needed and didn’t have the emotional energy to explain my case to anyone else, should someone try to argue or debate in the days leading up to surgery.

I just KNEW something was amiss with my leg this winter. It was different than the nerve pain, and I am glad I was persistent in seeking answers. My spine surgeon had basically shrugged his shoulders and said “your spine is perfect now” but this felt different. The pain didn’t match all of the great education I had from my physical therapist about nerve pain and its manifestation. When I finally got results, I felt much less like a paranoid person when the cardiologist showed me PICTURES proving that my artery was totally closed when I was exercising.

A Quick Aside for Bragging Purposes — the surgeon who fixed my popliteal artery entrapment issues told me that my plantaris muscle, the one behind my knee that he removed, was the biggest he’d ever seen. YEAH! My competitive side just LOVES that fact. It’s still just a little chunk of muscle compared to the calf as a whole, but I get secret pleasure knowing that thing was SWOLE.

I went back and read my Ragnarok 105 blog from last year and also feel stupid that I fixated on spine injuries when I even wrote in that damn post that there was a chance my issues could be circulatory. Why I didn’t get both checked out at that time is beyond me. It’s mentally defeating to start training after spine surgery, train up to multi-hour rides, start getting FAST again, and then get smacked back down to non-riding and now recovery.

I still fear that this won’t be “the end” or solve all of my numb and painful leg problems. I have nightmares about it, actually. All I can do is have faith that I’m doing what I can, following the advice of professionals I trust, and always pushing and struggling to make forward progress. Progress is perfection, right, even when it involves setbacks?!

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