The Fragile

The words come at night, when I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep mostly because I can’t exercise, and I haven’t yet given in to always taking sleep meds, and my body hurts and my brain chatters and hums along at night. I had an eloquent title for this blog post in the wee hours last night, but now it escapes me. Hopefully something witty or at least moderately compelling will come before I’m done writing. 😉

Blogging is as much for me as it is for anyone who wants to read it to get an update. It’s therapeutic to type, so I do. My spine issues have escalated significantly since my last post. I can no longer bike at all, and am spending most of my day flat on my back in bed to help mitigate the pain. Right now, I’m in the recliner and my right glute and upper leg have gone partially numb. I needed a break from bed, needed a break from that god awful “reclining desk” I purchased from Amazon, needed to sit upright and drink an adult beverage and just type. Don’t get me wrong, the reclining desk has been a godsend – I’m getting more work done that way and my back is less angry, but damn it’s irritating and hard to type.

I’ve figured out if I’m horizontal for about 20 hours per day, I can get 4 decent hours up and about. Not pain free, mind you, but decent. Last week I tried being in the office as much as I could, but it was a train wreck. I’d come home midday and hide in a dark room in awful amounts of pain. I was a heinous bitch to my family. Later this week, I won’t have the luxury of working from home all day like I did today … we’ll see how that plays out.

So yeah, standing hurts, walking hurts, sitting hurts, and driving REALLY hurts. Now the numbness is a problem in both legs, not just the left. I’m a little terrified at the rapid progression of things. On top of that, insurance is being evil and denying me a cortisone shot — I need to be in physical therapy for 6 weeks before they’ll approve the cortisone epidural. Yes, PT has started, but I’m in so much pain that the simple re-positioning and strengthening exercises she tried had to be stopped. Now I do traction and nerve stimulation, and that seems to be helping. Between that and being on my back all day, I no longer want to punch innocent bystanders due to pain, so that’s good.

I’ve found little things to amuse myself, like taking a series of pictures of the #viewfrommyback and posting them on Instagram. (See featured pic above, ha!) I’ve also been helping my BF post and sell some of our household’s redundant cycling items. I joke that I’m his “social media manager” — it helps keep me distracted, AND I can do that upside down. The sale has come to an end, so now I’ll have to scheme my next distraction project.

It’s funny how when I wake up, either from sleeping overnight or a nap, I initially have this jolt of hope that maybe somehow I woke up “better”. I’m groggy, and the ache is faint after hours in bed, and I think — maybe I’ve finally turned the corner?! Maybe I can ride my bike for a few minutes today?!?! Then I get out of bed, and after 10 minutes of walking around the ache starts, then the shooting pains come, then the numbness and pins and needles and the memory that this thing is evil and likely to not loosen it’s grip any time soon.

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